While sitting down on a broken-down wooden pole attached to the barrier of a windy mountain, my best friend and I sat in silence, looking out at a view of the city. Something out of the movies… One of those scenes where the main character and her best friend had a life-changing mental breakdown and needed some time to reflect and have those typical angsty conversations. Only, it was a hot and smoggy day. The only visible part of the skyline were the houses down by the bottom of the mountain that eventually faded into the rest of the gross-looking grey blue sky. We blasted music out of my car and while she might’ve been reflecting on something important, I sat there and felt out of place. Almost like I was forcing myself to think….I knew I had a lot to think about. Things I had hidden in the back of my mind the way kids hide broken objects from their parents under the bed. While we ranted about how frustrating the people we associate ourselves with can be I couldn’t help but think that everything I was saying was meaningless. Like how behind the smoggy sky that we couldn’t see through, there was something more.
On my way home I cried. Sad tears or happy tears? I don’t know. I was feeling an amalgam of feelings all fused together in a ticking bomb that ran out of time, I guess.
I’ve just turned eighteen and I realized that the maturity I once thought I had is far from my reach. I’ve prided myself on the fact that while other people my age were obsessively worrying about what winter formal dress they would wear or which boys followed them on Instagram I had other priorities. Priorities that I thought were mature but now looking back at it, are the opposite. For the past 18 years of my life I’ve sat and felt pity for my own self- coming up with excuses and blaming other people for the way I react to things. Blaming my parents being separated for my own issues that have nothing to do with them. Blaming my friends that are exciting about a school dance or football game on my own immaturity. I have absolutely no idea what I want, or who I am.